As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.