we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
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[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane