Don’t tell me what to do
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
im 7 sauces long