Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
You Might Also Like
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Punctuation Matters. Period.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her