Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
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Gods work.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Finally!
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Come back with a warrant
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.