[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury