Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
notice
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?