If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
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John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
😅😅😅
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Dance like you’re not the father
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.