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If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I feel seen.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.