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I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
bears
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.