[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
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Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
It be like that sometimes 😆
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”