H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.