ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
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Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.