[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
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In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
#MeanwhileInCanada
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]