me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
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My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!