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I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on