Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
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Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
PARKOUR
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.