I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
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Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Harsh but fair
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.