Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
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The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*