robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.