me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
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Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Go girl power!
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone