Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.