Probably my best painting.
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I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
back to work
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.