Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
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Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
This will never not be funny to me.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.