Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
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Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math