The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
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When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*