[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
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Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Monday
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.