Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
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If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I am patiently waiting for your email
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
No Google it does not
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.