I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
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I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return