[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
True?
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.