Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
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I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
“and how does that make you feel?”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit