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Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar