JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
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When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
put ‘er there pardner!
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
first you must answer his riddles
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat