If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”