sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
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Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.