I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
You Might Also Like
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.