Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
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Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!