a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
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Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
there’s probably a fee though
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
seems fine
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.