My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
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Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.