If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
You Might Also Like
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My patience has stretch marks.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!