WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
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Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Snapes on a plane.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Monday
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.