Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
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Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.