Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
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If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
somebody come look at this
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like