Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
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*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.