Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen