[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.