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The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”