If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
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Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
how to have fun when you’re poor
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity