“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
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[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day