I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
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4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
WWE is French for “yes”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”